on my mind

I've been running/walking regularly again.  It's pretty dark still at 5 am so there's not a lot to distract you.  My Ipod is full of songs that turn your mind and thoughts toward those of eternity. 

Fall is a rushed, rushed time for this household.  The pace of work is faster.  Church is full of activities.  School is going full force.  Fall sports are going. 

But at 5 am none of that has started yet.  Everyone is asleep when I leave.  The house is dark and quiet.  There's time to think.  There's time to talk to God.  Time to ask questions.  Time to just be thankful that He's there and that the sun rises every morning.

I exercise to help keep the "crazy" away.  Sometimes I don't think its about the exercise.  It's more about the time to take the things that get tangled up in my head to the feet of Jesus.  To unload my worries and frustrations.

It's been almost exactly one year since I made the decision that professional help was needed.  I was struggling.  I was hanging on to the edge of the cliff by my fingernails and was just ready to let go.  Not wanting to give up; but at the same time not wanting to admit that I was failing.  I finally packed up all my pride, ate some humble pie and made the call.

I hated it.  I didn't want to go.  I was angry.  I was embarrassed.  Sorting things out was difficult.  It was exhausting.  Every session felt like being ripped open with a fillet knife and watching my guts spill out in front of me on the table.  Graphic I know but that's how it felt.  I am forever changed.  I am forever grateful to have walked through that valley.

Don't get me wrong there are days when I'm still fairly certain that I am certifiable.  But those are rare and usually due to lack of rest.  Most days I know who I am and why I am here. 

For the first time in my life I'm fine just being me.  I'm fine with the wife, mother, business partner, friend, sister, daughter that I am.  You get what you get; take it or leave it's all I have to offer.  I'm able to finally "hear" God confirming that this is who He intended me to be.

I read a book this month called "Notes to a Working Woman" by Luci Swindoll. Luci is a speaker for Woman of Faith these days.  I heard a clip of her speaking at a Woman of Faith conference on K-LOVE which lead me to purchasing one of her books.  It was definitely a "God Wink" as my friend, Lindsay would say.

I was finishing up the final chapter of the book as I was sitting on the sidelines waiting for Justin to finish football practice.  I nearly burst into tears as I read the final few pages.  It was like what God had been trying to impress upon me for so long was right there in front of me in black and white. 

She says,

"It's possible for any of us to achieve that kind of lifestyle {one of excellence} at the office once we realize our proper response to people's needs.  As Christian women in the professional world, it is our duty--dare I say our mission in life?--to be there for people.  It is our highest calling.  It's the most important part of our professional niche."

"It's the hope for this world."

"The Christian professional woman is a woman of peace.  She is a woman who believes in miracles.  From her first days of wandering and wondering to the arrival at her desired destination, she is one who pursues excellence.  She may fall, she may be sidetracked, she may even be blocked in for a time, but she never gives up.  With heart, courage, brains, and faith, she continually progresses, recognizing her abilities and strengths come from God.  And when her deepest joy becomes giving her life away to others, she will have truly found her place of greatest contribution."

It has often been a question in my heart of how I could mix my skills as a woman in a profession that is traditionally male dominated.  Luci's insight puts that question to rest.  Asked and answered.  It comes down to trusting God to give me the skills that I need to accomplish what He has for me to accomplish.  If I lack a particular strength it may just be because I don't need it.  I want to be excellent with the skills that God has granted me and trust that He will fill in the rest. 

I will just be who I am.  I will be who I am because there's only one of me in this whole world.  And if I'm not me then who will be?   I will be genuine.  I will be caring.  I will be encouraging. I will be the woman that God intended me to be.  I will not be perfect but I not give up trying. I will be intentional with my actions.  I will live in the truth.  I will fight the good fight.  I will endure.  I will finish the race!

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  Psalm 139:13-16